How Many Friends Do You Really Have?
We often think of friendships like possessions. Once we become friends with someone, we assume we’ll stay friends forever, at least until there’s a fallout. Just like owning something until the day we decide to give it away.
But that’s not quite how it works. Think about it: how many people were once your friends, with whom you’ve never had a fight, and if you heard their name today, you could still talk about them for five minutes straight? Quite a few, right? Now, how many of them do you actually know what they’re up to these days?
No, of course you don’t need to know every breath they take. But do you even know whether they’re still breathing? The city they live in? Where do they work? Their education? Marital status? Whether they have kids? The big events that everyone else seems to know about, the “What, you didn’t hear?” moments. Their happiest days. Their most painful ones…
What happened? Did the list start shrinking already? But weren’t they “friend”s? You know, that mainstream word the dictionary defines as “one attached to another by affection or esteem,” “Companion,” “comrade“… Shouldn’t you at least know these things about them? Or maybe Instagram vacation photos don’t actually reveal everything about a person after all. How sad.
Let me put it gently: you’re not friends with as many people as you think you are. You lost many of them along the way, without a single argument. And that’s not your fault. Most of the time, it’s not theirs either. Life simply pulled you apart. Remember when you were a kid and your dad asked his friend, “So, what have you been up to?” and you giggled, wondering how he could not know the answer! Back in 3rd grade, life was simple. So were friendships. Now you’re the one in his shoes. The idea of “friendship” etched into your brain never changed: you make a friend, and stay friends until something breaks. But you changed. Your friends have changed. The world changed.
Some friends moved to another city, another country, even another world, without you ever hearing about it. Friends who have kids “as tall as you” before you even knew they got married. Friends who still remember you as “the freckled kid from high school,” “the best buddy from school,” or “the goalkeeper of the neighborhood team.” Friends who could still talk about you for five minutes if asked, thinking you’re still the same.
From now on, either use that word in its secondary meaning*, or stop using it so casually.
Not everyone you know is a true friend, and not everyone who used to be a friend still is. Many chapters closed quietly and mutually, without saying a word.
Not knowing… is not part of friendship.
* “One that is of the same nation, party, or group” (Merriam-Webster).
This post was originally published in Turkish by the author on Medium Türkçe on September 29, 2016.
Türkçe: 
